Sunday, January 15, 2012

The Night I used the Jenna Marbles Face

January 15th, 2:15 a.m.

After a great and funny night out, my best friend Mallori and I were eating at a booth inside Whataburger. Two guys and a girl sit down at the booth next to us, separated only by a 4-foot tall partition. One of them asks me, "Hey, do I know you?" Now, at 2 am, or really at any time on a Saturday night, the first thought is, "of course I don't know you and I don't want to get in your pants. Go away." However, I actually did know him. He was my bartender, Brandon, Thursday night when I made a short road trip to Talequah, Oklahoma. From this bartender, I ordered two drinks and about 100 waters. The next thing he says was, "you are the girl who ordered all the waters!" And then I realized how small of a place Oklahoma is. So we start chatting, making small talk, then he said something about me being pretty. Then, the girl gets jealous and grabs Brandon to make out.

At this point, the other guy realizes he should talk to us. Now, Brandon was in his 20s and not scary looking. Plus, I trusted him because he had been my bartender. However, his other friend was maybe in his 50s, and definitely creepy. He had grey hair poking out of a baseball cap, and had a bunch of piercings on his ears. At Whataburger after 2am, this guy is the definition of creepy. I never got his name, so I will call him Oldie. Oldie  starts conversation by trying to take a picture of me on his phone. Since there is only a partition in between us, There isn't much I can do to avoid this other than put my "thumbs up" face on, but he didn't like that and told me to put my thumbs down. So then I stuffed my face with a bite of my sausage biscuit. Then he didn't want to take the picture because I had so much food in my mouth. So I kept eating until he gave up. He also asked me to bend over so he could see my boobs. At this point, I was done with this guy.

He continues trying to talk to me, and I am trying to ignore it but Mallori and I couldn't really stop laughing. Then this happens:
Oldie: "Hey, look down here, is there something on my pants?"
Me: "No you are gross."
Oldie: "I'm un-buckling now."
Me: "I'm done talking to you." And then I turn away.

It was nearly impossible to ignore them, because they kept talking to us. At one point, he says that there aren't any Indians in Talequah-- the Cherokee Nation capitol. I am Cherokee, and decided to get a little defensive. Then he points to a gay guy (who was the star of Whataburger last night) and says that he likes him. I told Oldie that he only likes guys who speak Spanish, because earlier he hit on a a guy because he spoke Spanish and it was "so cute." Then he starts trying to speak Spanish to me, and then reverts to speaking Cherokee because he remembered that I was Cherokee. Now, I don't speak Cherokee- but it is on my bucket list to learn. So, to save face I just start ignoring him at this point. Because we are ignoring him, he looks to the booth past us and realizes that there is a table of Indians sitting there. So what does he do? He goes and makes some new friends. They were pumped about this, and I bet the bent over to show him their boobs.

At this time, Brandon stops making out and gives us attention again. We tell him that while he is okay, Oldie is a creepster. He got a little upset until I explained that in the first 10 minutes of meeting this guy, he tried to see my boobs AND show me his "wee-wee." Then Brandon understood, and started talking about how we were in love because we kept smiling at each other. At this point the girl gets upset again and tells him to stop. I tell her that he's fine, and that I trust him since he was my bartender. I guess that made her realize I wasn't taking her man, and then she laughed along with us the rest of the night. Brandon also kept trying to hold my hand across the partition. To "break-up" with him, I made an ugly face that he didn't like. That reminded me of a Jenna Marbles video that is one of my favorites: How To Avoid Talking To People You Don't Want To Talk To (Warning: there is offensive language in this video, so don't watch it if you don't like it). The jist that you make an ugly face to get people to stop talking to you. Then Oldie came back, said something offensive, so I started making "the face" at him. He was really confused, and even Brandon told me to stop making that ugly face. Unfortunately, we couldn't stop laughing which made the face a little less effective. Soon after, Mallori and I decided it was time to bounce.

As we get up, Oldie goes outside to follow the group of Indian girls. This means that he is standing right outside the exit. So what do we do? RUN. We ran to my car in the Whataburger parking lot at 2:45 am. The Indian girls yell after us, "I'm chargin' y'all five dollars!" I still don't really know why they were charging us five dollars, but we didn't care. We kept our five dollars and took the back way out of the parking lot, and then we laughed the whole way home.

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