Unfinished Posts and a Healing Heart

Over the past few months, I have started many posts that I just couldn't finish. I don't like to be super emotional on my blog, and that's what my posts were going to be. It has also just been something too difficult to write about, so I didn't.

In the beginning of November, the boyfriend and I broke up. It was primarily led by my fear of the future, which for us seemed too uncertain (from my perspective, at least). It was something that I couldn't get out of my mind, and it was affecting my ability to enjoy the relationship at its present. He was to be completing his Master's Degree at the end of this year, and then would be moving away to pursue his dreams. They used to be dreams that I shared, but over the past year and a half that dream for me has changed. I wanted to stay in my hometown of Tulsa and continue pursuing the dreams that have been developing for my life here.

As you can see, those two dreams don't match up. It was the first real, true, and difficult "adult" decision I have ever had to make. And it killed me.

The healing process has had its ups and downs, I just try to focus on the ups and ignore the downs. Even still, this is hard to write about. However, I want to get it out of the way so that I can start (inconsistently) blogging again freely.

Despite the sadness and heartbreak, I have been enjoying a new lease on life: to pursue my goals in Tulsa 100% and to never hold back. I have been focusing on whatever makes me happy, and to not think too much (as I always get caught up doing). I want to live freely and flourish. I don't want to miss any opportunity, and I want to shoot down any chance for me to live in regret. I must keep reminding myself that I am young- I am allowed to make mistakes and I am allowed to do what I want. This will be a hard one for me, but I can already tell that the happiness is worth it.

And that's all I have to say about that.

And then the friends start getting married...

Before this year, I have only been to 3 weddings in my ENTIRE life. Including the one where I was a flower girl at age 7. 

This summer began that time in every girl's life when her dreams come true her Facebook fills with engagement pictures and her mailbox fills with wedding announcements and scares the crap out of her. I missed the first one, a destination wedding in Florida. Unfortunately I had no denero to go. In mid- June I got to attend the first wedding of 2012 (2 more planned so far, plus 1 that I can't attend). It was my friend Kayla's wedding, who was one of the girls I studied abroad with to China in 2010.

On the night of the rehearsal dinner...

Chinese Lanterns! (yes, like in Tangled)

College friends

Got to see a couple of other girls on the wedding day!

Weddings make me feel way too old. And I wanted to bawl like a baby. I will blame that on the fact that I had just started work and hadn't slept for two weeks. You believe me, right? 

:)

Life is a Whirlwind

In 4 weeks, I will be graduating from the University of Oklahoma.
Today, I was initiated into the Honor Society, Phi Kappa Phi, honoring the top 10% of Seniors.
I found out last week that I am being honored with one of Price College of Business's Outstanding Senior Awards.
I will also be graduating with Academic Distinction.

I am not saying these things to gloat, although I am damn proud of myself.
I say these things because I can't believe this has all happened. I can't believe that my days here are almost done. I am so excited to start my new life, but leaving here will be bittersweet. I know that life will never be like this again. However, I love confidently knowing that life will be so much better. Many of my friends are not this lucky, and while I pray for them to find jobs/grad schools/etc., it also serves as a reminder to not take for granted what I have been given.

I am so excited for all of the things I will be able to accomplish this next year as I begin my career. For years I have been living in an environment with competitive people who try to push other people down. I have learned a lot about myself and how to deal with this kind of environment, for which I will be eternally grateful. The lessons I have learned are invaluable. However, I will be moving home to an environment of people that constantly believe in me and inspire me to do great things. And that is what I want to do. I don't know what these "great things" will be, but I know they will happen because I will be surrounded by encouragement. I know this next year will be a big, BIG change, but I know that these changes will enrich my life for years to come.

I swear that it was just a year ago that I was playing on my elementary school playground. But here I am, preparing my cap and gown. Life is a whirlwind.

If I die young, bury me in satin..

I love this song. It came on my pandora this morning and it got me thinking..

There is a line that says, "A penny for my thoughts, oh no I'll sell them for a dollar. They're worth so much more after I'm a goner. And maybe then you'll hear the words that I been singin', Funny how when your dead people start listenin'"

Tis is such a true statement.. Why do we as a society do this? People have always been considered more valuable after they are gone. From Picasso now to the children who commit suicide in middle school. It is a sad thing. I think part of blogging helps solve this problem. People in this community DO listen to each other. They share what some think with others. It is a community where people can continuously learn, grow, and be heard. I love reading blogs and seeing how much other bloggers appreciate one another.

I appreciate all of you for being a part of this great blogging world. I hope that we all take what we learn from blogging and apply it to our own relationships. I hope we all try to encourage someone every day, even if you don't know the person. It brightens my day to see a new comment on my blog. Imagine what life would be like if we spread these "comments" to our non-internet lives!

Let's pay it forward.

:)

It is hard to believe...

• How little free-time I have here.
• That I only have 3 1/2 weeks left here.
• That I have now been 21 for a month.
• That I only have on year left in college and have to start making big girl decisions.
• That I have to choose between D.C. and Tulsa.
• That last night I was in a crowd of 200,000 some odd people watching fireworks between the Lincoln Memorial and the Washington Monument.
• That I am in a new office at work for the second month, working as a Project Lead to make a Spanish version of a website.
• That I don't know Spanish.
• That I have a ten page paper due tomorrow that I haven't started.
• That I will be switching from mostly narrative to picture-form to do my blogs, since I don't have time to type that much.
• That I already need a haircut.
• That I will only get to spend a couple hours at home when I get back, and that will be to pack up my car.
• That I don't have a tan for the second summer in a row.
• That I stood in line for 30 minutes to refill my water bottle for free yesterday.
• That I am sharing an office with a man not working in my area, because they don't have any more room for me.
• That the people calling me think I know what it means that the PO needs a W9.
• That SOMEHOW Washington D.C. has blessed us with mostly gorgeous weather, and Oklahoma is setting record temperatures now.
• How lucky I have been/am.

:)